you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
