dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
