come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
