I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
