If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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