I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sorry about my life...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
