i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
