The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
