Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
