u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
