even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
