I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
