Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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