seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
