That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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