God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
