i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
