We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
