I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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