I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
