i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
