update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
