If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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