My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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