1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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