she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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