mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
