So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
