I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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