If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
