And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
