I puked a lego.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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