I'm really into asian looking animals
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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