So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
