I cannot find my penis.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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