How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
