she looked like the bat from fern gully.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
