She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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