the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
