it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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