Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
