Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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