There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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