he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
