Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
