my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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