Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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