Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
