i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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