It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
