Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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