You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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