I cockslap morals
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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